Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
WTF, love, etc.
Emotional, short rant below;
Man, how many times can this thing revive?
HAHAHA I'M BACK!
OK, I have to stop having these delays on LJ, it's really...well, not crap, but at least somewhat weird. But hey, kiddos, I'm superdupermega back! ...Again.
Love. Again. This joke isn't funny anymore.
I hate feeling as vulnerable as I feel right now.
I hate not knowing what someone feels, and I hate it when I try to flirt, since I'm as discrete as a fluorescent ninja.
I wish love could just sit down in my lap and say "I'm here now, no sweat, OK?"
But nah, that's just not what happens, is it? So I'll just head right into the storm once again.
Young! Savage! And only seventeen!
Thank you, Mrs. Hagen, I couldn't have said it better myself.
Today's my birthday. I woke up when my family came into my room singing "Happy Birthday". I, on the other hand, had forgotten all about what was going on, so I sat up in my bed and looked very surprised. Then I remembered, and felt kind of pleased with the fact that I wouldn't have to get up and make breakfast.
Right now, it's been a somewhat boring day, after all, I am being sick and staying home so right now, there's not much for me to do here. I can watch the movies I got, or read the book about Tim Burton my little brother gave me, but I sort of don't feel like it. I've eaten some cake and I watched SLC Punk a few hours ago, and right now I feel somewhat restless, as this day seems to provide nothing but a piece of Internet and a pot of tea. After all, this day COULD have been more amusing.
But hey, I can always check out my navel fluff and other cool things, like a real man.
To the Snotmobile!
Today, I am superdupermega sick.
The thing is, I think I've been spoiled with a very practical health all through summer, and because of that I've forgotten the non-pleasure of realizing when you want to kill yourself because of a somewhat less favourable feeling in your throat. I also suspect an incipient eye inflammation. I am not amused.
Tomorrow's my birthday, and I REALLY REALLY wouldn't like to be sick then. I was sick as a dog last christmas, and it wouldn't be all that superduper fun to sit in your bed with runny eyes while my family is trotting around with cake and presents and stuff like that. Nu-uh, I can't say I need this, AT ALL.
Right now, I'm thinking about calling my mother and tell her that my throat is about to die, but she'll probably say that I'll have to go anyway and later I will hear something like "If you're gonna be sick every time you go away to Västerås then..." but hey, that's not the issue here, folks! I'm just feeling as if I've been hit by a car full of snot.
Also, I can't say I feel like being sick and loosing weight. I noticed that only this weekend, which was spent playing DnD and watching movies, I've lost three kilos. Weird, considering that I have been eating properly and that the food I HAVE been eating contained about as much fat and goo as the average american citizen it's terrifically weird that my ribs have decided to show themselves more than usual to the outside world. Does not want.
Plus, if I'm sick, it means I can't watch Snakes on a Plane for another few days. I is not amused.
Peter Pan Syndrome
I realized something that I found kind of scary. Ironically, the source of my fears was a book called "Survival Guide for Teenagers".
I found the book at my local library, and since I like to know what to do in case of a future disaster, I picked it up and started reading from the backside text to find out what kind of traps of adolescence this book would prevent me from falling into. What made me react, however, was that the book seemed to cover things like "Your First Kiss" and "Dating" and "Your First Period" and stuff like that. In other words, The Teenage Fucking Basics.
Thing is...I've been through all of those things. And without the drama.
I'm not a virgin, I'm not a "never-been-kissed"-girl, I'm not inexperienced, I'm not unhappy. There are no guidebooks for someone who's felt, touched, seen and done everything you can in the Teenage Wonderland. Despite that, I've got two years left, and I have no idea what I'll do with them. Sure, I usually HATE when people say "I've seen EVERYTHING, I've done EVERYTHING", but in my case, it feels at least a little bit true. Right now, all I've got left is growing up, and that scares me more than anything. It's hard growing up, especially when you realize that you never had those "special" moments gown-ups always use as examples when they want to prove that it's fantastic to be young.
But growing up was never meant for me.
What? Alive? Oh, of course I am!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm back! I just didn't feel like roaming the Internet for a while. In the meantime, I've been reading and selling kisses and hugs. No real explanation. Anyways, I'll try to get my act together with LJ now.
I guess I stopped writing for a while when I realized no one really cared what I wrote. Then again, what I expect from me writing on the Internet is either to find my best friend, OR that someone will write "HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE FANTASTIC" and make me the rock star of litterature. But then we've got the problem that I don't believe in finding true friends on the Internet, and I'm not really that much a rock star. I'm more of the groupie, or the manager doing coke with the band after their show, or a girlfriend of someone in the band.
I've recently recieved 1 piece of confidence from life. I guess I kind of deserve it, as I've been taking care of my problems myself and as it's actually been rather successfull, but I'm not sure what I'll do with this huge piece of confidence. Right now, it's helping me to turn into a social lawnmower, eliminating everyone I can't stand. For the moment being, I enjoy being a bitch.
All in all, life is pretty neat.
Sooo...yeah, Jakob came and slept at my place.
And to be honest, it all worked out quite well. Sure, Jakob was all whiny about "HOW CAN YOU BE SO COLD ABOUT IT?", but well, that's how I am. I'm just not very emotional, and I'm rather flexible. Our relationship isn't all that different from before actually, we're still hanging out almost the same way, we're just not as physcial as we used to be. And we can talk once again, and I have to say that's something I value much more than a romantic relationship.
He also said he'll be trying to save me. I'm not sure I want him to, I don't feel like being the one who needs to be saved.
I just agreed on letting my ex boyfriend stay the night at my place.
...Can someone else remind me why I did that, because I have NO idea.
It's kind of scary when you're in love with someone and you can't tell if they're flirting with you or not. Yesterday I had a chat with Linn and we talked about relationships. I was mostly ranting about how much I miss a relationship and she was mostly ranting about how she's got a hard time knowing wether she loves someone or not. It all ended up with us discussing how to chat people up, and this is what was said;
Me: I mean, I don't get it, are you supposed to walk up to someone, hold out your hand and then say "HI AND HELLO, can I offer you a cup of coffee with some ulterior motive on the side"? Or should you just sit there, looking smug and passing a wink now and then? I DON'T GET IT!
Linn: You're asking the wrong girl...
Me: Haha, I guess so :P
Linn: But I'd flirt with you, since you're adorable and so cute :)
Me: Are you playing around or are you for real?
Linn: I'd be too shy, though.
Me: Haha, I can flirt with YOU ^^
Linn: Yay! Please do that!
...And now, I am very confused. Very, VERY confused. Was she flirting with me or am I just being self centered?
On another note, a friend of a friend got a crush on me about a week ago. I can't help but to laugh, even if I know it's somewhat mean.
"I need to (...) Eat. But since I'm planning on going anorectic I think I'll pass ^^"
I hate her for writing this. I hate her for squeezing out every single drop of sympathy from everyone. I hate her for thinking that you can "plan" to become anorectic. I simply, deeply and sincerily hate her. Peace out.
I just realized that I feel somewhat lonely, and also somewhat nostalgic. I miss the old times when all my friends were geeky spookykids and playground punks. I remember that we felt so cool simply just by wearing black and talking about how different from everyone we just happened to be. Now, about three or four years later, I can't say I miss my prententious attitude, but I miss the friendships. There were no dramas, no big problems, and friendship was so simple. Just sitting outside and sharing your not-that-complicated inner thoughts would just be enough. If your friend confessed that she was a bi, you felt as if you'd gotten to know the biggest secret ever, and you felt special. And you yourself, you had no problems at all. Sure, you hated school and your friends were kind of sad, but nothing really bothered you that much.
Now, all problems are huge. I've (appareantly) got anorexia, and how many people know that, and how will they ever? I can hardly admit it myself without feeling that it's a lie so that I'll have more attention, so how will I ever be able to tell anyone? Things right now are so very complicated, we're growing up all of us, and identity is nowhere to be found. We're also too grown up to admit we're having problems, but the teenage angst still remains.
I'm not looking for much when it comes to a true friendship. I want someone that'll meet me up in the middle of a summer night, then walk to a park with me and sit down with a thermos of hot chocolate and a blanket wrapped around us. Me and him/her will sing every single song The Smiths ever produced, and we'll talk about the stars, life and death and then we'll whisper one secret each and then discuss it toghether. That's my dream. But I don't think that will ever happen.
Dream a little, dream of me...
I dreamt that he took me out for tea, and that we talked. In my dream, I asked him what he wanted, and then he told me that the physical attraction was there. However, he said that there was something missing, and that he didn't love me, he just liked me.
And I didn't even feel disappointed, I just had a feeling of "OK". I'm feeling kid of scared, because maybe I'm not in love with him. I might just be in love with the possibility to get an answer.
Todday started somewhat crap. I woke up about 07:00 and felt a fantastic headache bouncing around in my skull. Even though I simply felt like crawling back into my bed, I decided that I had to get up, because after all, I was going to see Emil for a cup of coffee. And after having spent only about five minutes or so with Emil, I realized it was well worth it. We talked about art, books, music and my break up and when we didn't feel like going home, we went down to the more tourist-ish parts of Stockholm and started talking to the tourists. Our goal was to find someone from Oregon, but most people were Germans or Canadians. Then we had ice-cream and then I went home. Right now, I'm making dinner, because I'm insanely hungry. I've hardly eaten at all for four days, but I guess that's what you get when you're all alone and lazy.
Sooo...yeah. Me and my boyfriend broke up.
I can't say I've got many hard feelings. After all, it was me dumping him, but still, he is wonderful. It's just that I'm not in love with him anymore.
Right now, it just feels empty. I feel free, but it's still something missing. It doesn't feel real. I think I'll go hide under a blanket or something.
Fuck...He started calling.
He's not sure we can stay friends, becuase he's still in love with me. That scares me more than not exactly anything, but many things. I love him, but only as a friend, and because of that, I don't want to lie. But I don't want to loose him. I'm...feeling scared. Really scared.
Explanations and such...
OK, let's explain the recent WTF;
And also, I've been to the hospital (please do read loony bin) due to my ED.
Now, mum and dad will go away for a whole week and I'll be alone. I can't say how grateful I am, it's going to be fantastic to spend some quality time with myself actually thinking about what to do.
Yes, that's all I can say right now. I just wanted you to know I'm still alive.
I'll be off to Västerås now! Kissies and hugs!
I suddenly realized that "scamper" is one of my least favourite words ever. As soon as someone says it, my mind projects the image of a pale, Japanese kid jumping into my warderobe. That is disgusting.
Woooooosh, I’m so happy! download.com are offering me to stream their music. I love them <3
These days have been awfully lazy, I’ve hardly done anything because it’s so hot. I know all of you think that Sweden’s all igloos and polar bears, but right now it’s about 30 degrees Celsius. OK, for all of you living in southern areas of the world, this might not seem exciting at all, but here in Sweden, it’s bloody TROPICAL! OK, perhaps not, but you get my point.
And now for our main event!
This will be one of the rare occasions where you are allowed to look inside my head for a while. This is an exquisite example of my sense of humour. What can be said about my humour is; It's somewhat stupid and pointless and kind of mean. If you do not find this funny at all, I have no interest whatsoever of hearing it from you. Now, go ahead, but remember, you have been warned.
Yesterday, I tried to teach mom how to play videogames. We first started out with Shadow of the Colossus, but since that's a VERY big game and you have to know exactly what a handcontrol looks like and whereall the buttons are, we gave up pretty soon. Instead, I made her play Final Fantasy IX (less control, but still a good game) but she's still having trouble using the menus.
This all made me realize how trained I acutally am in the ways a video game works. I know all the little "traps" when it comes to the conversations, I can check and do a million things at the same time and I that I'm used to it. It's kind of interesting, because for me, everything is so obvious; if you go there, you'll end up here, if you click that this will happen. Mom, however, still can't understand what I'm trying to tell her...But I guess she'll be alright.
I'm not sure if I should write her the letter where I tell her everything I love about her.
I might find that I'm in love with her
Små grodorna, små grodorna...
Midsummer, this lovely event in the Swedish year, is coming. Strawberries will be eaten, pickled herring will be avoided, small children will dance around the maypole (a very obvious phallus , I daresay!) adults will play frogs while jumping around the maypole, I'll refuse to wear my traditional costume and everyone will be SUPER DUPER DRUNK! Hooray!
OK, sorry. Midsummer IS actually kind of funny, you eat nice food, you meet your whole family and many of your friends. Hopefully, the weather will be nice and in the evening I'll hang out with Jakob and Alex. The only thing that bugs me is that my schedule will be very strict, and the relaxed state I was hoping for considering this lovely summer vacation. But then again, I might just refuse everything.
OH! And I've got a dilemma; This is my last summer as a kid. This means I should try to do EVERYTHING I can't do when I'm an adult. Now, one thing I wanted and still want to do is to run away from home, and since this is my last summer as a kid, this is my last summer to have something to run away from. I love my parents however, and they'd be very mad if I simply left only for a few days, and I only want the adventure really, the FEELING of being on your own. So, what to do...
Oh, I almost forgot...
Since sky_bluepink was very many nice-ish and answered my comment in her journal
I have to do the same thing for her, because I am equally very many nice-ish. Oh la di da~
If you comment on this post:
1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours!
Tomorrow, I'll go the opening party for Liselotte Eriksson's, Johanna Öst's and Naomi Nowak's exhibition in Stockholm. Mom said you're supposed to bring flowers for people at opening parties, but I hate giving people flowers. Flowers are very, very pretty, but I always have a feeling that they're saying "I'll only be beautiful for two hours and then I'll DIE ON YOU". I want to give people something they remember. So, tomorrow I'll buy small gifts for each one of them, but what should I get them? I'm so nervous! HELP HELP HELP!